The Sex Survey

Name or Handle?


Your Gender?
Sorry it's so cut and dry. We know it's the nineties but please go by your biological make-up.


Which character do you relate to most from the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
a. Brad or Janet
(The Missionary position in the comfort of your own bed ... with an occasional erotic roll in the hay)
b. Magenta or Riff Raff
(can you say incest?)
c. Columbia
(you like tap dancing on the ceiling and screwing Harley guys)
d. Frankenfurter
(leather, bondage, love slaves, and tattoos)


If you were to choose one sex toy from a giant treasure chest full of sex goodies, what would it be?
a. A bottle full of hard - on inducing, nipple tingling, rub - on salve
b. A squeeky rubber duck ... with a magic, vibrating beak
c. A vulva hand puppet straight outta one of those Blowfish catalogues
d. A leather corset
e. A handful of sticky lemondrops to tease your lover with

other: please list

Think back now ... to those days before you'd experienced sex. You were young, innocent, unaware of your genitals' full potential until that crucial moment ... How old were you when you discovered masturbation?
a. 5 to 10
b. 10 to 15
c. 15 to 20
d. What's masturbation (Sex Questions? Call the Hullaballoo sex hotline 24 hours a day. Lolita, our operator is standing by at 1-900-nym-phett)?


Assuming you choose a, b, or c for the above question ... you probably haven't given up Masturbation as a way of life. About how often do you indulge in self induced orgasms?
a. once a week
b. more than once a week
c. once a month
d. never, I got someone to do it for me
e. after I watch a good skin flick, which translates to about once a day


Let's get off masturbation and talk true intercourse, now. How often do you have sex?
Now's your chance to brag, Killer.
a. 1 to 3 times a day
b. 1 to 3 times a week
c. 1 to 3 times a year
d. Never, I prefer to go it alone and throw myself wholeheartedly and whole handedly into Masturbation


If you were to choose a theme song to illustrate your sex life it would be:
a. Janet from "Rocky ..." singing "Toucha, toucha, touch me! I wanna feel dirty!"
b. Abba's "Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight..."
c. Elvis's "I just wanna be your teddy bear"
d. Louis Prima's, "I'm just a gigolo..."

Other: please list


You're planning on getting lucky tonight. Your date is on his/her way over. What foods will you prepare to get him/her in the mood (maybe you could call Yolanda and get that eggplant recipe - see Sex Issue)?

Where is the most memorable place you've done IT?
Describe the experience in a few lines (without going into painstaking, pornographic detail. Hullaballoo is not out to get a hard - on off your cheap thrills. Translation: You don't gotta tell us how big it is).


What is the most original nickname you've ever given your lover's unmentionables? More specifically: the breasts, vagina, penis, or scrotum.


A movie that has sexually aroused you? It's only fair you share it with the rest of the world.


Is there a book that turned you on? Please list in Bibliography form: author's name, title, and the page numbers where all the good stuff is. Hint: for a really powerful, sexy read, try Lolita by Nabokav (see Wordplay in the Sex Issue).


What's your favorite way to reach orgasm? I'm not talking, "In the car, while I'm on my cell phone talking to a client" kinda stuff. I mean specifically: fellatio, cunnilingus, intercourse, masturbation ... yadda, yadda, yadda ... use your imagination. Another creative writing question that you can run with.


You favorite position, folks. Conveniently choose from this collection of a few All - American favorites
the zine comes with fun illustrations
a. doggy style
b. missionary
c. 69
d. her on top
e. so you both took gymnastics, okay?


If the mailman were listening at the door while you were having sex inside (scary thought), what would he hear?
a. "OH yeah! Right there! You got it, Baby!"
b. "Who's ya daddy?"
c. The Sound of Music (not the musical, silly ... although Julie Andrew is kinda babe - like ...). Your favorite album to screw to.
d. Dead Silence. I believe sex is sacred and prefer to pray during interourse

e. Other: please list

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